The first anniversary since Hugo’s passing was a difficult and emotional day. Just a over a year ago he was alive, at the prime of his life, enjoying every moment with his family and playing with his brother Jasper. I remember my cries for Hugo to try one last time to wake up, I was constantly praying for a miracle to happen that he would be cured and end our nightmare. I begged him not to leave us and I knew inside that he had tried his best to stay with us as long as he could.
That day came when the life support machines were turned off to end his suffering, I lost my baby Hugo. I am a mother who lost her child. A big part of me went with Hugo as my grief consumed me instantly from that moment onwards. I was at my lowest point of wanting so badly to take his place so I can bring him back. If I could lay down my life to choose for him to live, I would do so without any hesitation as would any other parent. I wished I could go back in time and change what had happened to him.
We sang his favourite nursery rhymes during his last moments of life as his heart beat stopped beating in my arms surrounded by Jasper and Simon all holding his hands and feet. All my family and Simon’s mum were at his bedside. Enough was enough, his little body had worked so hard to fight this awful disease. He had to leave us and we feel very sad that this was the only path that we could take. I know he misses us and we miss him just as much and more. He is in a place that does not have any concept of time, he is safe and he is surrounded by love. I know these are my thoughts of comfort because he has given me signs to say he is OK.
“I know Hugo, mummy knows and is very proud that you have told me soon after you passed. You put up such a strong fight on your tiny tired little body. My little Hugo, I have missed you everyday and will never stop missing you until I see you again.”
We have got through this year with great difficulty and for me it was even more so as the pain of my grief was heightened even more with the hormone exchanges in my body whilst I was pregnant with our third baby who arrived in March this year. Mixed feelings of happiness and sadness toyed with me and was ongoing throughout the pregnancy and afterwards.
On the 26th March 2015, Hugo and Jasper discovered that they are big brothers of their baby sister Bernice. I felt Hugo knew all along as I’m sure he was watching over the birth his sister. This is why.
April 21, 2015 at 5:55 am
Well done for staying so strong & explaining your grief for others to appreciate how hard every day is for you all. You’re so brave all of you
April 21, 2015 at 6:25 pm
Thank you, we don’t post regularly to this blog but everytime that we do, it helps for a little while.
April 21, 2015 at 1:07 pm
I feel really sad for what your family and you have to go through for the past one year. And also share your joy on the arrival of the fifth member of your family, Bernice. It is such a blessing to feel Hugo’s presence in this joyous occasion. For that, I know Hugo will be there to celebrate all the highlights of you and your family! Just open your hear, and close your eyes… and you will see him there with u always.
April 21, 2015 at 6:27 pm
Khowyei, it is comforting to share our thoughts occasionally and I am glad to know that our friends care too, no matter where in the world they are.
April 22, 2015 at 9:44 pm
Every time I read your posts they are so moving, it puts everything into perspective. Thanks for sharing such intimate emotions.